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Becoming
Matthew
February 19, 2025
We devote ourselves to defining how our lives "should" be, fixating on future fulfillment and happiness. Like how we believe this New Year's Eve will be the best yet. Or I will be happy once I have accomplished x, y, and z.
But life has no respect for how you think it should unfold. It will do as it pleases. When life deviates from the narrative we hoped for, we can find ourselves full of disappointment and frustration. If we learn to let go of expectations, we can help alleviate those feelings of dissatisfaction.
Humans love to try and predict the future. These predictions fill us with feelings of comfort and security. Feeling like we have control over lives and our immediate surroundings.
These predictions turn to fixating on what should happen in our lives, the promotion or the happily ever after. We tie our identities to these outcomes. Our happiness becomes dependent on meeting arbitrary expectations of success set by ourselves and others.
So, when our lives drift from the path we set, it feels like we have lost happiness that was promised to us. That we have fallen short of these metrics of success. That we have failed.
Expectations play a powerful role in motivating us to grow and improve. They can provide clarity around what we desire in our lives, creating a sense of purpose and vision.
They help foster accountability, giving us targets to strive towards and clear indicators as to what we expect of ourselves. When we do meet and surpass those expectations we experience increased confidence as a result. This helps us to develop self-belief and provide opportunities for fulfillment in our accomplishments.
While expectations can motivate us to grow and help clarify our desires, problems arise when we cling too tightly to unrealistic outcomes. When we pin our future happiness on rigid expectations that we can never reach, we set ourselves up for a life of disappointment and are left feeling frustrated and inadequate.
We can combat this by striking a balance between future desires and responding to change. Life is full of uncertainties that can prevent us from achieving the outcomes we desire. So learning to respond to these changes is key to our fulfillment. A positive response like realigning our expectations can prevent us from getting stuck in that cycle of disappointment, frustration, and depression when life doesn't go the way we planned.
When my relationship ended, I found myself on the brink of my thirtieth birthday. I was alone, far from home, and overwhelmed by feelings of disappointment and inadequacy. I had tied my identity and happiness to a future that could no longer be attained. This was not how my life was meant to go!
I was forced to accept a reality I did not want to. My first reaction was to cling to the past, wishing that things would go back to the way I thought they "should" have been. But this only prolonged the pain.
In these trying times, I learnt a valuable lesson, letting go of expectations is hard, but holding onto them is so much harder.
Although letting go of expectations took me a little longer than it should have, it was a fundamental step in moving on with my life. Here are some of the steps I implemented to start letting go.
When we tie our expectations of happiness and fulfillment to future events, we can neglect what we already have in our lives. If we shift focus to the present it allows us to appreciate our lives today and not search for potential happiness tomorrow.
Start by acknowledging your journey so far. Many of us fail to appreciate the goals we have already achieved and the lives we've always hoped for. It is human nature to want more, but by taking time to reflect on what we have, we can ease those feelings of inadequacy.
Setting aside time to reflect on what or who you are grateful for is a good place to start. This practice helps to bring us into the present moment and find contentment in the life we have right now.
You can read more about gratitude in my previous blog.
Acceptance doesn't mean resigning ourselves to a life we don't want. It is about giving ourselves permission to let go of old expectations and redefine new ones. The freedom to embrace new unexpected opportunities and growth.
Acceptance is a powerful step in making positive changes in our lives. It empowers us to recognise when change is necessary and opens us up to the possibilities that come with it.
Start small, practice acceptance when something derails your plans for the evening. Instead of clinging to the disappointment of your favourite restaurant being closed, you could practice acceptance and try an alternative nearby. Allow yourself the opportunity to embrace the spontaneity of life and let small bumps in the road add to the adventure, rather than become obstacles that stop you.
Letting go of expectations can take time. Real or not, when perceived future happiness is taken away from us it can feel a lot like loss. As with any loss we require time to grieve and work through it.
In these moments, we need to show self-compassion. Give ourselves permission to grieve the loss of expectations, feel frustration and sadness and process those emotions. This helps lighten the burden we place on ourselves and allows space to get back to being our best.
You can start with something simple, like acknowledging you are hurting and interrupt those words of self-criticism. Show yourself the same kindness you would show a friend in need.
Many of our expectations are based on finding comfort and security in our future by predefining what we think should happen. If we start taking steps to embrace uncertainty in our lives we can stop placing so much emphasis on the future. Helping to reduce some of the pressure we place on ourselves.
Life is full of twists and turns that we cannot control. This uncertainty, though intimidating, is what makes life exciting. In uncertainty, there lies opportunity for growth and adventure.
Start by encouraging small amounts of uncertainty into your life. Start a new activity, go to a new restaurant, or take on more responsibility.
You can read more about finding comfort in uncertainty in a previous blog.
Learning to let go of expectations can be challenging, but it is necessary for achieving the fulfillment we want in our lives. It starts by acknowledging those expectations that no longer serve us and giving ourselves permission to let them go.
So, what expectations are holding you back from embracing the joys and opportunities that life is offering right now?
If this post resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need a reminder to let go of unhelpful expectations and embrace the present.