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Becoming
Matthew
February 1, 2025
Have you ever wondered how they decided the difference between a vowel and a consonant? Probably not, neither had I. After all, understanding the intricacies of language is hardly going to impact your life. But it got me thinking. If we neglect to ask why in something as fundamental as language, what other ideas or beliefs do we accept without question?
Recently I learned that vowels, consonants, and semi-vowels are defined by airflow. Vowels are pronounced with unimpeded airflow through the mouth and nose. While consonants are produced by obstructing or restricting airflow with the tongue, lips, or teeth. As for semi-vowels, or glides as we in the language business like to call them, these have vowel-like qualities but are pronounced with some constriction. Wow, Matthew, how exciting!
Language plays an integral role in our everyday lives, it underpins a major part of our evolution. Yet, how often do we stop and question why we speak or write the way we do? If we haven't questioned something as critical as our own language, then it's a fair assumption that we neglect to question other aspects of our lives.
Something like the specifics of language may not impact our lives, but there are plenty of ideas and beliefs that do. We encounter commonly accepted norms in every aspect of our lives. How we define success by wealth and status. Our commitment to work 40 hours a week until retirement. Or the obsession of owning a home as the ultimate life goal.
But who defined these norms? More importantly, why do we accept them if they don't align with what we truly want?
Many of us have never stopped to ask these questions. Instead, we have just accepted that this is the way life should be. This narrative is continually reinforced by our families, friends, communities, cultures, and society at large. The pressure to conform grows and we find comfort in going with the flow. Over time, questioning these norms feels risky. Rather than challenge them, we go with the flow and let others dictate the direction of our lives.
Now I am not saying that all societal norms are bad. That we should all say f*** the system. But this is where we can find ourselves chasing after goals that don't truly fulfill us.
We should, however, be mindful that we have a habit of accepting what others believe without question. We are conditioned to conform. You undoubtedly remember the overwhelming pressure to fit in when you were at school. That willingness to do and say whatever it takes to be accepted by your peers. This pressure doesn't fade with age. Even now opposing the majority is uncomfortable.
The comfort of conforming and being unwilling to challenge these norms, leaves us susceptible to a life of unfulfillment. Or as Stephen Covey put it, "If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster."
We wake up one day and realise all we worked for, the house, the status, and the wealth don't mean what we thought they did. We realise that we spent our lives climbing the wrong ladder.
Climbing the right ladder starts with understanding what you truly want in life. I am not going to pretend this is an easy question to answer. But it's one worth revisiting often: What do I want? The answer will change as our values and priorities shift and that is okay. But if we never take the time to ask, and more importantly, to question why you are doing this, how can you ever hope to build a life that leaves you feeling fulfilled.
When we have a vision for our lives, we can start taking steps in that direction. It provides clarity in our decision making. It empowers us to take action. Actions that align with our priorities instead of being swept away by the expectations of others.
This realisation gave me the conviction to walk away from a stable career and plunge into a world of uncertainty. Leaving the safety of a 9-5, when that is all you've ever known, is terrifying. It requires a conviction that only comes from knowing where you want to go and why.
You may not want to leave the traditional 9-5. You may be hell bent on owning your own home. And that's okay. In the end, there are no wrong answers when it comes to how you choose to live your life. You are under no obligation to live a certain way. Though at times it may not feel like it.
That's why it is so important to ask: Why am I doing this? To intentionally challenge what we believe. By simply asking why, we may find that we don't really have a real answer for it. Maybe we are living this way because it's what everyone else is doing. Maybe we are giving everything in the pursuit of climbing the wrong ladder.
I will start by acknowledging that I'm no expert on this, I speak purely from my own experience. I haven't built the life of my dreams, yet, but know that I am on the right path. The following steps helped me, and they might help you too.
A great starting point is to understand your core values. Figure out the things that truly matter to you. Your values serve as a compass, helping you navigate through the complexities of life and decision making.
Our values change over time, so I have revisited mine a number of times. Most recently, I used David Niethe's method from his book The winning mindset. His process is simple.
It is as simple as that. Once you know your values, you can use them as a filter for making decisions. For example, my most important value is accountability, so when I feel the urge to run and hide, I remind myself of the values I strive to live by.
We all want different things from our lives. But how can you be sure what you want?
The answer is simple, start asking yourself.
Find a quiet moment to sit with the question: What do I want from my life?
Your answer may be "I don't know". That is okay, it's a tough question. It might take some time to figure out. But you are not alone with this. Many people struggle with this question. So there are plenty of individuals to learn from.
One book that helped me is James Smith's Not a Life Coach. An easy read and a great place to start.
Once you start defining what you want, it is important to clarify: why do I want this?
Many of us pursue money or status, believing that will bring us happiness and fulfillment. It only takes looking at the 27 Club to realise that these things aren't always the secret to a meaningful life.
Comedian Jimmy Carr, in an interview with Chris Williamson, made a great observation.
We are not actually chasing things, we are chasing feelings. We are chasing how those things make us feel.
For example, we may crave the expensive car, but really we want the feeling of status and admiration that comes with it. When we recognise that we are chasing a feeling, we gain the freedom to explore alternative ways of achieving it. Without blindly succumbing to societal norms.
In the end we should be asking ourselves what do we truly want? And more importantly, are my actions leading me there?
If yes, that is great, keep going. But if the answer is no, and something feels misaligned, then maybe it's time to ask: why am I doing this?
We all deserve to live a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling. But no one can define it for you, you must decide what that life looks like for yourself.