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Becoming
Matthew
January 24, 2025
A wave of unworthiness crashes over you. You feel compelled to push this unexpected praise away. Downplaying, deflecting, or outright rejecting kind words of appreciation. Within moments, a genuine complement spirals into an awkward standoff between humility and discomfort. Why do we find receiving compliments so difficult?
This is a common story, a well-intended compliment is met with resistance. As the receiver we feel obliged to show humility in the moment, we would not dare outrightly accept such kind words. But why? Having a person recognise us is a great feeling. It boosts our confidence and self-esteem. Yet, we often push compliments away instead of embracing them.
In a study by Anita Pomerantz, she suggests that receiving compliments triggers an internal conflict. On one hand, we feel the social pressure to agree with the praise. On the other we feel compelled to avoid engaging in self-praise.
Generally the need to not engage in self-praise wins out. In an attempt to not appear egotistical, we emphasise humility in our response by downscaling, rejecting, or shifting focus. This need to maintain humility can leave the complimenter feeling dejected and unwilling to offer words of appreciation in the future.
Taking the original compliment and reducing the significance of it.
e.g. - When you are praised for a great job at work and you respond with "Thanks, but it wasn't that hard, anyone could have done it."
Outright rejecting the attempted compliment.
e.g. - Countering your partner's kind words on your appearance with "No I don't, I look terrible."
Pushing the focus of the compliment onto someone or something else.
e.g. - Responding to praise for your success with "Thanks, but I couldn't have done it without John.
He's the real star". Or meeting a compliment on your cooking with "Thanks, but yours is even better."
These are natural responses when we feel unworthy of praise or believe the compliments are insincere. Of course John deserves accolades if his efforts were pivotal to your success. However, in most cases we are worthy of the compliment. We just habitually employ these methods rather than accept the praise we deserve.
That feeling of unworthiness and reluctance in receiving compliments can be reinforced by a number of factors.
Perception of insincerity: Whether a compliment is genuine or not, if we perceive it to be insincere we are more likely to refuse it. Insincerity can come in the form of not believing a compliment due to our own beliefs or even feeling that the individual giving the compliment has an ulterior motive.
Self-image: Having low self-esteem and a negative self-image of ourselves can make it increasingly difficult to accept words of appreciation from others. Accepting a well-intended compliment can be almost impossible when we don't believe in what is being said and feel undeserving of it.
Cultural background: The culture we were born into plays a large role in our relationship with compliments. In Eastern cultures like China, there is a stronger focus on the collective compared to the individualism of Western cultures like America. As noted by Rongmei Yu, this cultural difference often leads to rejecting, downscaling, or shifting focus when receiving individual compliments.
Gender: As pointed out in research done by JANET HOLMES and DOROTHY F. BROWN, women are more likely to respond to compliments with modesty and self-deprecation than men.
Upbringing: Like so many areas of our life, our upbringing plays a major role in how we approach the world. If we grew up seeing our parents resisting praise from others then we are likely to practice the same behaviours.
Accepting a compliment can make a meaningful difference by reinforcing our self-worth, deepening our connections, and fostering gratitude.
To answer this, we need to acknowledge the positive impact that receiving compliments has on boosting our confidence and self-esteem. Compliments can affirm our achievements, improve our self-image, and provide a sense of validation. It benefits our relationships by strengthening connections with those offering words of appreciation.
All in all, these benefits lead to us feeling more content and lead to us living happier lives. The line between a compliment and showing gratitude often blurs, so many of these benefits I have spoken about before in a previous blog piece 'What Are You Grateful For Today?'.
Compliments act as valuable feedback, helping us recognize change and growth that we might struggle to see on our own. It plays a crucial part in solidifying the perceptions we have of ourselves and building our confidence.
We also need to consider the impact we have on those delivering the compliment. I am sure we have all felt the dejection of a genuine show of appreciation being brushed off or rejected. We may feel the person is ungrateful and question whether next time we even bother saying anything.
I don't know about you, but underneath the awkward responses I love compliments and we need more appreciation in this world. So depriving ourselves of something we crave because we lack the ability to positively receive it seems counter intuitive.
Ready for a groundbreaking tip? Simply say, "Thank you."
Responding with gratitude allows you to acknowledge the compliment without diminishing its intent. I know it can be hard to accept compliments, it takes intentional thought and effort. It will feel strange at first.
You will be going against a habit built on years of conditioning. But like any habit we break and new skills we learn, with enough repetition it will eventually become second nature. You will start to treasure the moments you receive these kind words. Soon, you'll cherish telling people how much their compliments mean to you and how they make you feel.
Don't get me wrong, I am no expert. I catch myself not fully appreciating a compliment or feeling uneasy when receiving them. Amongst all of that, there is something special in sharing moments of appreciation with another person. And I can tell you from experience, the interactions are far less awkward when you stop trying so hard to deflect or reject words of appreciation. Instead, gracefully accept the gift you are being given and enjoy the moment it creates.
Accepting compliments is something that causes internal conflict and feelings of uneasiness for most of us. But there is power in learning to accept a compliment with appreciation, not only for yourself but those around you. So, in an attempt to bring a little more gratitude and appreciation into the world, will you join me in improving how we accept compliments? Let's start now!
Your willingness to give up your time is the ultimate compliment and I truly appreciate those who read these. Thank you. I look forward to creating more thought-provoking content in the hope that we will live more fulfilling lives together.