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November 8, 2024
It took me twenty-eight years to understand a lesson I wish I'd learned sooner. That lesson? Taking accountability.
Growing up, whenever my actions led to an unintended outcome, I was quick to say, "It's not my fault." This was my way of pushing the blame away, putting some distance between myself and the negative outcome I'd created. I was scared of getting into trouble or disappointing those around me. It felt so much easier to dodge responsibility than to own up to my mistakes and face the consequences.
It wasn't until I began my career in software development that I experienced an environment where ownership was encouraged without judgment. I learned that things break and sometimes projects fail, and saying "it's not my fault" did nothing but prolong the damage.
Even when I learned the lesson of taking accountability in the workplace, I struggled to apply it to my personal life. While I no longer verbalised "it's not my fault," the mentality was still there. It had simply taken on another form, instead I would blame circumstances that felt out of my control. And the crazy thing was, I wasn't the only one doing it. I looked around and saw friends, family, and coworkers all creating their own versions of "It's not my fault" moments.
Let's face it, it's much easier to offload ownership for why our lives aren't where we want them to be. Blaming external circumstances feels safer than admitting the hard truth—that our unhappiness might stem from our own choices. Sure, there may be factors that make things challenging, but ultimately, if health was a real priority, we'd make time for exercise. It is our career and therefore our responsibility, not our employer's. Maybe our partner struggled to communicate because we weren't truly listening. It's tough to look in the mirror, confront our flaws, and accept the reality that we might be to blame for our own discontent.
Friedrich Nietzsche said it best: "If you think someone ruined your life, you are right. It's you."
I'd been working as a manual tester for several years when I started to feel stuck. My profession felt unfulfilling (sorry, fellow testers), my progression had stalled, and the thought of staying in that job long term was unbearable. So, I took ownership and decided to learn to code. I spent weekends banging my head against a keyboard, stayed late watching tutorials on YouTube, and took every chance I could at work to learn from others and practice, often without permission. I knew this was on me and I was accountable to myself for my own career growth.
And eventually, I learned how to code... well, learned enough to be dangerous. I became a subject matter expert, got opportunities to lead projects and mentor others, and my efforts were rewarded. Taking responsibility for my career was far more effective for my fulfillment than waiting passively in a job I disliked, hoping that another year of experience would result in a pay rise.
I thought I'd found "the one" and that we'd be together forever, so you can imagine my shock when I was told she wasn't. Even though I had no control over her feelings, I recognised that I played a part in our relationship's downfall.
I reflected on how my actions had influenced our relationship. On the emotional turmoil at the start of our relationship and how my selfish actions early on left scars of broken trust that never fully healed. I've invested time into understanding some of my pitfalls as a partner and learning how I might navigate future relationship challenges differently. Therapy helped me unpack some deep-rooted beliefs and work toward becoming a healthier version of myself.
Taking ownership of my role in the breakup has been essential in ensuring that I am a better partner in the future. I'd argue that taking accountability in relationships is a much more effective way of reducing potential heartbreak than simply carrying unresolved issues into the next one.
You may not relate to my exact experiences, but I hope my message resonates with you. No doubt, taking accountability can be difficult at times. But, in my experience, living a life where you are unhappy and feeling powerless to change it is even harder. Influencing the direction of your life becomes far easier when you take accountability for your actions and decisions. Like it or not, your current circumstances reflect the choices you make and the actions you take.
So, is there an area of your life where you could take greater accountability?
At the end of the day, you can sit and play the victim, blaming the world for your circumstances. It won't change anything, but taking accountability might.